I was first diagnosed with a mental illness in 2007 when I received a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder with bipolar traits. To help manage the depression and anxiety, I was prescribed a plethora of various cocktails and saw several therapists. A survivor of multiple suicide attempts, I struggled with these thoughts and urges most of my adult life and didn’t think that life could get better. Therapy helped me but still I struggled with these thoughts, and I didn’t feel like I had much purpose. I never paid attention to self-care, didn’t eat healthy, and definitely didn’t exercise.

Ten years after my first diagnosis, I found myself reeling from a divorce —self medicating with copious amounts of random recreational drugs and fueled by fast food and fatty greasy snacks. My mental health was deteriorating, and I was not taking care of myself. I was experiencing some of the worst depression that I ever had in my life. I started seeing a therapist twice a week. He recommended that I find some sort of physical activity to help alleviate my depression and anxiety symptoms. I didn’t think physical activity was my thing, nor did I think it would help my depression. Plus, I was convinced I didn’t have any energy to do anything like that, either. I was depressed and always felt tired. I isolated myself and spent most of my days bed-ridden, while doom scrolling on social media sites and obsessively watching national news. When I lacked any energy to get out of bed, the last thing I wanted to hear was “push yourself, go exercise, and you’ll feel better.”

I was barely sleeping and self medicating by smoking heavy amounts of marijuana. Where would I have found the energy or desire to want to work out? How was exercise going to help my depression when I had already tried medication and therapy? (Little did I know at the time that my marijuana addiction was significantly contributing to my self loathing and depression).

It was obvious that I had to do something, though. I was in my thirties, smothered by my depression and considering suicide daily. I didn’t think there was any way to leave the bad shit behind me. But, something in me decided to take my therapist’s advice. I desperately wanted to leave the life and the house I shared with my now ex-husband.  I thought, if therapists and doctors recommend exercise so much, there must be something to it. So, I decided that I’d give running a try. It would get me out of the house. And, after all, I ran track in middle school and thought I liked it back then so maybe I would like it as an adult.

The only pair of shoes that I could’ve used for running were seven-year-old shoes I used for housework and bought at a grocery store. They were junk. I also didn’t have any running clothes I could actually feel comfortable running in. So, I went to Fit2RUN, a running store that sprawled over almost half of the mall’s third level, there was even a smoothie shop and full size track inside.  I felt on top of the world leading myself into a new life. I felt so many emotions when I looked for my first pair of real running shoes. Confused on what to choose, giddy about starting a new hobby, and afraid I wouldn’t be a good runner…

Thankfully I had a store associate help fit me for specific shoes by taking a gait analysis test on the treadmill. The associate looked at how I ran and how my body looked while doing this. I was extremely nervous. What could I have looked like? This was the first time I jogged or ran since middle school!

The store associate recommended a few different brands and models to me. I tested each pair out on the store’s indoor track. (Isn’t that sick?! The store had its own track for shoppers to test their shoes on). I ended up going with a pair of Brooks GTS ‘17’s. That night, I decided I would run a mile around my block. The mile was not easy for me to finish, as it was a humid 90-degree day in Florida. I was out of breath and I remember my hands turning red and swelling up from the heat because I was dehydrated! But, I was so proud of myself for finishing that mile. It might’ve only been a mile, but that’s a mile further than I had gone in over 20 years.

That next day, with my alimony in hand and the desire to start doing something healthy for myself, I was back at the running store buying shorts (a pair for each day of the week) socks, and a hand-held water bottle. I wanted to be prepared the next time I went out. If this was going to be my new hobby, I wanted to have everything I needed. I went all in. 

After that second trip to the running store, I went down to a nearby running trail that had always been popular where I lived. The paved trail alongside Bay Shore Boulevard in Tampa offers quite stunning views of the city and the Bay. If you live in Tampa and run, it’s THE place to go. I had always driven by it but never actually went running on it. I was both nervous and antsy to get started. This was the first time I ran by people, too.

While I was excited to try out my new gear, I was extremely anxious at the thought of running around other people. However, I was pleasantly distracted by Tampa’s expansive skyline, with glimmering lights coming from the towering buildings. I also had the tranquil bay to look at. My goal was to finish a mile. With the warm, tropical breeze coming from the bay, I was fully present and not thinking of other people as I ran by them.

I was never able to run a mile before and here I finished my second mile in as many days. I was so impressed with myself. I almost forgot about my divorce and definitely wasn’t feeling anxious or depressed for the hours that followed. I felt my first runner’s high! I felt euphoric and quite powerful, it’s a feeling I wish I could have 24/7.

After those first two runs, I purposely went out on a run if I felt a panic attack coming on or when I had suicidal ideation. So often I was used to reacting to my feelings by engaging in self harm, self medicating with food or marijuana, or engaging in other harmful and risky behaviors. I started running my feelings out instead.

After running for a few months, I realized it wasn’t only making me feel better, but I was getting faster! I ran my first 3.1 miles in close to 40 minutes! Then as time went on, the time for that distance was lowering and lowering. I eventually signed up for my first official 5K: The Casco Bay Hockey 5K in Maine. In my third 5K, I even got an age group award. This gave me a confidence that I never had before! I also felt like I finally had something to look forward to. It is so important to have things to look forward to when living with depression.

In the depths of my depression, I didn’t think life could ever get better. But, as I signed up for more races and accomplished more running goals, I realized that life really could get better. I even started traveling for races, including to Burlington, Vermont for my third half marathon where I received another age group award! I was starting to feel like I had purpose.

Early on in my running journey, a partner of mine told me I was not a real runner because I would run on the treadmill when it was too cold outside. After all, I did move from Florida to Maine, I wasn’t used to cold weather running yet. How cute of him to say that, I used his words for motivation to sign up for my first full marathon. 

Marathon training requires an abundance of preparation including paying close attention to your diet and sleeping habits. Most people can’t just go run a marathon, they need to train and make healthy life choices. I started cutting back on junk food and replacing fast food for healthier options. 

I was starting to make more positive lifestyle choices and I started trying my best to get the most sleep I could. During my first marathon training cycle, I was working 50-60 hours a week but I still managed to get 6-8 hours of sleep. Training for the marathon gave me a reason to take care of myself and focus on my overall health. By doing this, my mental health improved, even though I was still self medication with marijuana. (I would quit eventually, I told myself. Which, I did. That is a topic for another blog post.)

I was running four or five times per week and not doing much of anything else. For five months, I worked and ran, ate, and slept. I had a weekly routine and my suicidal ideation wasn’t occurring as much. I had a marathon to run, I didn’t want to end my life!

On October 6th 2019, I completed my first full marathon in 4:08:00 at the Maine Marathon. During that time, I noticed a huge shift in my life that I never thought was possible. Before that race, I didn’t have many personal goals. I was just surviving.

Running has been an integral part in me becoming a better version of myself. Running has helped me eat well, have goals, and take care of myself. It has also become the primary coping strategy I use to improve my mental health. It is not a cure for depression, I have other tools and coping strategies to help me manage my mental health. However, I am so very thankful to have found something that has given me joy and confidence.

The running community and friends I have met throughout this nine year running journey have been nothing short of amazing. I have friends who not only support what I do with running, but they totally get the runner’s lifestyle. These people have become my best friends. The friends I have made throughout my running journey is my favorite part of running. 

I have a group of friends and we call ourselves “the Bayshore Baddies.” We occasionally do the Bayshore races together and other races throughout the year! They are truly my best friends and we are there for each other for whatever life throws at us.

Since I first started running, I have now completed several half marathons and six full marathons. Marathoners make up less than 1% of the American population and I am one of them! After finishing my first full marathon, I realized I could do anything I set my mind to. I use this as fuel to get through difficult times in my life. If I can run a marathon, I can do ANYTHING.

It might have taken me until my thirties to find what I have a passion for, but I am thankful I did. 

The more I run, the more I love myself.

What are you favorite hobbies that improve your mental health?

What hobby makes you so happy you could cry?

Have you discovered a hobby late in life? What is it?

When was the last time you tried a new hobby?

Share responses in the comments!