My name is Patti, and I am a recovering marijuana addict. 

As I write this, I am celebrating 60 days sober from marijuana and alcohol. Marijuana is my drug of choice, but I decided to stay away from all mind and mood altering substances, as I don’t find any need for them in my life anymore. 

The last time I had this much sobriety was last summer (August 2024). I was able to run a road race on my 60 day mark and that was the most beautiful experience I’ve ever had. I even finished that race as the second overall female! That will always be one of my favorite sober memories.

Unfortunately, I relapsed short of my 90 days. I wasn’t working my program and I became too comfortable, thinking I could do recovery on my own. This time around, I am doing some things differently, including deciding not to drink anymore. Truly, I never really liked drinking anyway. And, when I did drink, I wanted to smoke. I don’t need any more reasons to have urges to smoke. Also, I committed to attending 90 Marijuana Anonymous meetings in 90 days. If I know I am not able to go to a meeting a certain day, I double-up another day. In the first few weeks, I was going to 3-4 meetings a day. Also, reaching out to more people in the MA program has really made a difference. 

The fellows I have met in Marijuana Anonymous have been integral in my early recovery. Now, I am not as afraid to pick up the phone and reach out to someone if I am struggling or just need someone to talk to. Even if I feel great, I still stay connected to the fellows in the program  

For a long time, I struggled with my identity. I still do to a point. But, my sobriety is creating a new identity for me. I am Patti and I am sober! I even bought myself a mug, a t- shirt, and stickers that are all sobriety themed. I am quite excited at the idea of a new life. With sobriety, I am relearning how to be a person, how to live differently, treat people differently, and see life in new ways. 

I still have urges to smoke because I am a marijuana addict. But, I am trying to live my life one day at a time, sometimes an hour at a time. Living in a city where there are more dispensaries than fast food chains, it can be difficult. Smelling it often is also a challenge. I even smell it when I am in the car or running. It is everywhere. At times, a thought comes into my mind that I could “just smoke one joint” or “only smoke on the weekends.” Cute, but not true for me. I am a marijuana addict and marijuana controlled my life. I cannot just smoke once. If I take one puff, I will take thousands. Sometimes, I even get jealous or angry when I smell weed. I ask myself, “why can they smoke and it is OK?” (hell, they could even be addicted too though..) I even try to wish my addiction away and beg my higher power to take away my addiction so I could just smoke one joint a day. But, that is not productive. 

Thankfully, I have a sponsor now. They mentioned that if I regularly engage in self care, keep up a spiritual practice, and take care of myself, smelling weed or other difficult situations won’t be as challenging. 

Even though my urges can be intense at times, I am starting to build a toolbox to fight those urges, including connecting with my fellows in the program, bolstering my self care routine, and putting myself first. In recovery, I’ve learned that it is not selfish to put myself first. After all, I only have one life and I want to live a life worth living. I’’m also a recovering people pleaser and I lost sense of who I was by tending to everyone else’s needs instead of my own. 

When I have urges to smoke, other than reaching out to fellows and engaging in self care or distraction techniques, I use self talk or journaling to remind myself how the first few weeks were withdrawing from marijuana. In the first few weeks coming off of weed, I honestly felt like I was dying. I was throwing up for hours on end almost every day. I couldn’t eat regular meals and would feel nauseous any time I smelled or thought about food! I had night sweats, chills, night terrors, and extreme irritability. Even 50 days in, I have some of those symptoms because I am still detoxing. Post acute withdrawal symptoms can even last up to 6 months. I am committed to staying the course though, because any day sober, for me, is better than any day I have had while using. 

Some people believe marijuana is not addictive. That’s cute. Because I, and thousands of other people are addicted to it. There is a reason why Marijuana Anonymous meetings exist in the first place. We have lived it.

“It is just a plant,” so many people tell me. OK, well that plant caused me cannabis induced pyschosis (suicidal ideation daily). For a while, I thought my medication wasn’t working. Well ,I was smoking on top of taking medication so yeah, the meds were definitely not working with so much THC in my system. I also had intense RAGE when I smoked and when my stash was empty. I smoked almost daily for close to 17 years! The cycle never ended until I admitted II had a problem. 

In the rooms, I heard “marijuana’s first name is just.” That is SO true. Some people think it is harmless. That’s not true for everyone, especially not me or anyone I have met in M.A. rooms.

I also had CHS (Cannabis Hyperemesis Syndrome), something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy! CHS is present with heavy users, and the condition is characterized by severe nausea, incessant vomiting, abdominal pain, and even psychosis. 

Guess what the only cure is? QUITTING SMOKING WEED. 

I do have a lot of hope for the future. I haven’t been sober for more than 90 days in 17 years. I want to be free. I no longer want to live in a prison fueled by marijuana. 

I’ve already experienced the gifts of sobriety. Feeling my feelings is one of them. Even though anger and sadness are tough emotions for me, I want to feel them. I also want to feel the happiness and joy life has to offer. My face hurts when I laugh and smile. I’d rather have that than have my lungs hurt while I am coughing.

My lungs deserve a break and I deserve to be sober. I already feel relief when I run. My heart rate is lower, and I can breathe so much easier!

I celebrated by 60 days by running @ the track. My sweet man got me cheesecake for us to enjoy after the run, too!

I also earned my 60 day chip! I had one from the last time I was sober and I gifted it back to myself! So satisfying!

What coping strategies do you use to help with your addiction and/or cravings?

What are some gifts that sobriety has given you?

I am taking another 24!

Love, Sober Patti