I pour bleach down the pipe of my weed vape. I can’t count how many times I’ve done this when I’m in the binge-purge stage of my addiction. I keep buying vapes, feeling ashamed, and then throwing them in the trash or flooding them. 

I promised myself I would quit (again). Recently, I had over seven months of continuous sobriety from weed. And, now, here I am starting over for the millionth time. After the bleach pours down the vape, I sit on the couch, doze off, and stare into space, feeling blazed out of mind, wondering how I got here. 

Who am I kidding? I know how I got here. I was sober for a little while, started thinking I could do this recovery thing on my own, stopped going to meetings, and started to isolate again. It’s a similar pattern each time I relapse. 

The “just weed” excuse is repeated over and over and over in my brain. Marijuana’s first name is just…it’s only a plant. It’s not a big deal. I know that none of this is true. These are the lies my brain is feeding me. It’s not just weed. Let’s be honest. It’s a drug that is keeping me from living my full potential.

I had a loved one say to me recently that I am not trying hard enough. I feel so defeated when someone says that to me. It’s not really up to others to tell you how hard you are trying. They don’t know the inner battle you’re having with yourself.

I know I’ve tried. I keep throwing away products, buying them again, and throwing them away. I have an extreme desire to quit. I keep attempting to quit.

I’m going to meetings and doing everything I can at this time. For today, I am going to stay sober, even if I have to count hours. I know I can do this.